I had never had a real serious relationship. I mean I had a high school boyfriend who insisted we were going to get married, and said I love you in less than a month. I had that unrequited love situation too. I had never had a good relationship though, built on trust, love and friendship. It didn’t exist for me, and I liked being stuck in the fear of actually letting go, and letting someone in. I have always had a vivid imagination, and it was easier to live in that then anything else especially after the “unrequited love” relationship I had had. That love swept me up, and encompassed me in the unhealthiest manner, and when it was over I felt like I had to learn to breathe again. It wasn’t easy.
When I was 25 I had a quarter life crises. I was stuck in a desk job I didn’t particularly love, and I was barely making $15,000 a year. I couldn’t move out of my parent’s house, and I was still driving the same car I got when I was 18 shortly after graduation. I poured all my depression into watching hours upon hours of TV on DVD, this was before Netflix so I had to buy them when they were on sale. Target always had some of the best sales on these. I bought vampires and demons with Buffy and Angel. I lived vicariously through the richness of The OC, and solved crimes with Veronica Mars. I found best friends in the Gilmore Girls, and rode along in the impala with the Winchesters. Lastly, I fell in love with the relationship of Nathan and Hailey from One Tree Hill. I desperately wanted the love that those two had, but I was scared. It meant I had to let go of all my insecurities, and learn to let someone love me for them.
The first major life decision I made though, was to go back to college. I didn’t do it because I thought I’d get a better job. I did it because I wanted to stop floating along, and actually find myself. I wanted to stretch and grow, and become a newer and better version of myself. It was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. I grew up, and I grew independent of all the things that were bogging down. I actually became me, Christa, and not someone’s best friend, daughter, sister, and cousin. I was finally learning to put myself out there, and so at 27 I was finally ready to look for the relationship I always wanted. I wish I could say it was easy for me to find it, but it wasn’t.
I knew I wasn’t likely to find someone in college because I was so much older than a lot of the students, and so I followed the theory of Must Love Dogs, and signed up for an internet dating website. At first I was just dabbling, and having fun. I liked just talking to the guys I was meeting, and some were better than others. There was the pharmacist who stopped talking to me, and then a month later emailed me out of the blue saying he had a hot tub and I should come over and enjoy that. There was the man of little words; seriously all his emails were generally one or two words. There was the Starbucks date where I was assaulted with questions like “But if you know you’re going to be a bad mother shouldn’t you get an abortion?”
Who says I’m going to be a bad mother? I went on a second date with that guy just because I figured maybe it was a bad night for him. I said “good bye” to him though when he said I shouldn’t use up my free time to watch my best friends baby, who at the time was in desperate need of it. F that sir, I will do anything for my friends.
It was like having a blind date after blind date, and I finally decided maybe I should just have a break from all this serial dating. I wasn’t having fun, because what I really wanted was to find a relationship that was secure, and would end in a white wedding dress. So I put in to end my membership for a while at the end of the month. At the end of the month I was still searching matches, and I found this boy that had a profile that I really clicked with. He liked reading, movies, and was helping his sister get through nursing school. He had a good job, and he was cute in the fuzzy teddy bear sort of way. His name was future husband, well ok that’s not his real name but for privacy sake I won’t write it in this story. I did really like his name though, and so I winked at him. I guess the rest you could say is history.
I guess the rest is for another time.