Life is Fleeting, Learn to Love It

After losing my father to his battle with cancer I felt; Anger, sadness, and denial. Even now I can be struck with any of these feelings at random. It’s little reminders like pictures, or notes or just passing memories.

My father wouldn’t want me to feel this way. There it is, the reality of the situation. This thought struck me with an immediate weight lift. It surprised me that I felt that way.

One of my last conversations with him he said “You’ll be alright, I know you will”. I was crying when he told me this. It was then that I knew that he really was dying. This new normal was a hard fact to swallow, and I didn’t for one second believe that I would be alright without my father in my life.

It’s very hard to be sitting with a person that you thought was invincible. Maybe you even tricked yourself into thinking that he or she was immortal, and realize that it’s not true. Death is not a thing that could happen to them.

Death is not a lesson you want to learn about, but it is inevitable. My father dying was my first real blow in how tangible and fragile life can be. So of course I let myself fall into depression and anger. It was easier to be there then it was to feel happy. I evolved into a different person.

There’s no time line on mourning but now I realize that I want to live my life the way he would have wanted me to. He would want me to wake up each day with the belief that it will be a good day. He would want me to go to bed after a truly horrible day, and say “It is what it is, but there’s always a new day tomorrow.”

He would want me to be happy whenever I remembered anything about him. He would want me to cry happy tears, because the memories were fleeting thoughts that put a smile on my face. He would not want me to be sad.

He would want me to be less angry. He’d want me to notice the little things in life that make it all worth it. The little things that make you wake up each day and say “Yes this life is worth living,”

He’d want me to love the people I still have in my life, and to reach out to them. To do little things for them every single day to show I care. He’d want me to teach my son independence, and good morals. He’d also probably want me to teach my son about cars, and be a good handyman but that last one is going to fall upon others shoulders.

He’d want me to love Zack fiercely every single day, to be thankful for him every single day. I believe my father knew I was going to be OK because of the people that I was led to in my life, the family and friends I have. He knew was I going to be OK way before i knew it myself.

Now when I think of him or am reminded of him I will strive to be happy for the time that was given to me with him, and not angry about the time that I lost.

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us..” – Gandalf (Lord of the Rings)

 

 

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Canvas, Unfinished

All,
My,
Life.

I’ve felt awkward.

Even at thirty-five,
I still feel unpolished.

I don’t belong in my skin.
Someone calls me beautiful,
on a regular basis.
My son still sees me,
Through innocent eyes.

An unfinished canvas.

To me though,
My mind,
My soul,
My body,
feels ungraceful.

There’s still work to do.

I’m stumbling,
Along.
Still,
Living,
My Life,
In awkwardness.

January Reads

  1. Scrappy Little Nobody – Anna Kendrick
  2. Carry On Warrior – Glennon Doyle Melto
  3. Year of Yes – Shonda Rhimes
  4. The Creeping – Alexandra Sirowy
  5. In Cold Blood – Truman Capote
  6. Wonder – R.J. Palacio
  7. Cream Puff Murder – JoAnne Fluke (audiobook/reread)
  8. Agatha Raisin and the Witch of Wyckhadden – M.C. Beaton (audiobook)

 

I read a lot of nonfiction this month, which isn’t my usual go to books. I prefer fiction. My favorite of those was Shonda Rhimes book. I’m an introvert like her, and like her i always find no easier to say then yes. The book just really resonated in me, and gave me the lift I needed to start finding my own way. My least favorite was In Cold Blood, which I found the book to be really interesting to read it was just a little slow for me. Also the descriptions in the beginning were unnerving since this book was a true crime book.

I loved Wonder, there were times when it was heart breaking, and other times where it made me smile. The ending was my favorite. I felt pretty meh about The Creeping. There were definitly times where it was pretty creepy. At one point I was reading it in the dark with my book light since everyone else was asleep. I was pretty creeped out by it and had to put it down until the morning. The reason it fell short for me was because of the ending. It felt way to obvious through most of the book on where it was going. The other fact of Stella’s not really having any present parental units is just way to convenient of a plot line. I’m pretty tired of that. I also couldn’t stand her best friend Zoe, but I guess she wasn’t really meant to be all that likeable.

I listened to two audiobooks this month. I usually listen to them to go to bed at night so I like to listen to cozy murder mysteries or books that are fluff. I’ve already read all the Hannah Swensen books, and they’re full of fluff, and perfect for me to fall asleep too. I listen more now for the stories of the characters then the actual mystery part. The other book I listened to was the 9th book in the Agatha Raisin series. It was as usual funny, and better at the mystery telling part.

I’ve started Where’d you Go Bernadette, but this month I’ve been kind of tired from reading. I watched the entire first season of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend instead. I LOVED that show, and i can’t wait for season two to show up on February 11.

That’s it for now.

How I Feel About Being a Stay At Home Mom

I read a lot of articles and satire articles about what it’s like to be a stay at home mom. I am one so therefore I relate to them. 

They are often about how it’s tiring and rewarding all at the same time. That 4PM is kind of an evil hour, and it’s a “please bring me some wine hour”. I don’t really like wine unless it’s Rosé. If the day has been kind of bad then I’m more of a “please bring me some Red’s Apple ale, or Rum and Coke.” More likely though I’ll just beg to check out early, and go to bed at 7:30 PM. I’m always happy when my husband walks through the door regardless of how the day went though, probably a little bit more on bad days.

Then this morning I was lying in bed dozing before I actually had to get up. It’s that magic hour where everything is quiet, and I don’t have to quite get myself going. As I was lying there I suddenly thought to myself, “I like being home.” I’ve always liked being home. It’s something a lot of people don’t understand. I don’t actually care if I don’t make it out the door on some days. I don’t feel crazy if I don’t talk to an adult until almost 6pm.

If I weren’t a stay at home Mom I’d still want a job where I had to do very little interacting. In fact the job I had before I had my son I spent most of it behind a computer monitor, and most of my conversations were via email. I wasn’t fond of that job, but I liked that I had very little interaction with the public. It was all interoffice, and I absolutely loved my coworkers. I was good at it too, and so that also made me feel good about it. At the end of the day though, I’d rather be at home in my pajamas.

.There are days where I am running around doing errands, going to the gym, house chores, playing with my kid, and sometimes I’m just present with him. I always shower at night, and so I don’t fall into the non-showering spectrum of being a stay at home mom. Then there are those days where I really do watch TV all day because I’m exhausted.

I like being a stay at home mom. It’s hard. I complain a lot. Especially when my kid has turned into a threenager in more ways then one. (I.E. the power struggle with a toddler is real.) It is tough. Some days end in crying. Some days as I said before end early and I go to bed at 7:30 because I can’t imagine facing the day any more. Some days can be wonderful. Some days are full of good conversation. They are full of laughter, and end with a good book, movie or This Is Us. I write all the different kinds of days down in my journal. It’s good to have the bad so you can appreciate the good. It helps to see what you can truly be grateful for.

If I were to really get down to the nitty gritty of it all, being home is easier on me for my generalized anxiety disorder. I knew a long time ago I wanted to be a stay at home mom if it was ever going to be possible. It is hard to be a mom with anxiety and some times depression. I’ve learned how to function with it, but it can still be hard.

I tried working part time while being a mom, and I found I was more stressed and anxious.  It wasn’t greener on the other side for me. I felt like I was missing things with my just turned one year old. He was learning so much, and I wanted to be there.  So we made the decision that I would go back to being home with him. It was the best decision I ever made for myself. I wouldn’t change it.

I don’t just like being a stay home mom. I love it, even with all the hardships that come along with it.

Building Up

If I were being honest, aside from my family*, I often feel lonely. Sometimes even alone.

I have friends. I get to see them sometimes. I know they care and love me, but as you get older every day life begins to happen. We’re not always in the same place in life, and we struggle with things differently. I Know I can talk to them at any time, but thing is…

The thing IS;

Well back when I first had my son I was fine. I was happy. I loved being his mama. It was my world. I didn’t know. I didn’t know there was a whole outside to this little world that I was acquainted with.

Back then the worst thing would have been spilling my large Diet Coke from McDonald’s. I probably would have cried, ok exaggerating here. I wouldn’t have cried, but it sure would have made the day feel sour.

Now when I spill it, I see it as a thing. I see it as something that while I’m annoyed about, I am just numb to it. I say oh shit, and then clean it up, and hope my kid doesn’t start running around saying “oh shit”. I’m a little sad because I only have half of it left, but it doesn’t matter

I’ve lost far greater things.

Of course I texted a couple people about the incident, but not because I was upset about it. I texted them because I actually thought to myself and saw it happening as I was walking in holding it in a precarious manner. I didn’t spill it in the way I visualized. I spilled it in a completely different way. I said to My son”well that was weird”.

He laughed. I laughed, and said “see we all spill things sometimes, even mama.” Then I cleaned it up and was annoyed because uh it was soda from McDonald’s. They have the most delicious soda ever.

But I brushed it off, because I’ve felt worse.

I don’t mean to take away from anyone that doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I can’t degrade anyone’s pain. We are all struggling with something some days. It’s just some days I feel awfully lonely. I struggle.

I struggle because even though I know I have people that care about what happens to me, but I am still genuinely afraid of rejection.

I’m afraid to ask to make plans. I’d  blame it on being an introvert, but also I just get anxious about everything.

I know a lot of this is my fault. I closed in on myself. I didn’t want to care. I wanted to take an eternal nap, or watch every single episode of The Middle in an entire week.

I’m trying now though, taking baby steps, and they frighten me. I feel lonely. I don’t know how to begin to try again. I don’t know where I stand

I just have to keep building up again.

*the one I grew up with, and the one I married in to.

Finding Me Again

I recently had this thought of wanting to make an impact on the world somehow. The thing is the only impact I may ever make will be on my family, maybe my friends.

After my father died a lot of people came forward and told us stories about what he did for them. We found that he affected far more people then he himself probably ever imagined. It was almost extraordinary, and it made me think about myself. It made me think that I doubt I’ll ever reach people with that much magnitude. This didn’t make me sad, it just made me think.

I’m an introvert. I don’t always like people. I like the people I choose to be my people, but I’m not a people person. I hate crowds. I get overwhelmed easily. If I get myself out of the house to an outing of any kind, I always need a moment to decompress. It literally takes energy out of me to be social. What I can’t decide is that just who I am, or who I’m choosing to be? It’s probably a little bit of both, but I’m ok with that.

Sometimes I feel like I try, and nothing comes from it. Then I accept that either I’m just the wrong tetris piece for that moment in time. I spend the night beating myself up about it. I spend the night sometimes getting irrationally angry, more at myself then anything. We are our own worst enemy.

I just read the Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes, and the words she wrote about on her introvertedness (yes I just made up that word) resonate in me. I know what it’s like to fall victim to easily saying no. Saying “no” is actually more of the easy way out for me.

After my father died it became even worse. I lost interest in things that I use to love. I fell into a depression of sorts, and getting out of bed even became hard for me. I had to though. I am wife and a stay at home mom. I have people that depend on me to live. So I did, but I wasn’t really living. I think I was just going along with the flow. I started to eat and drink my feelings. I gained all the weight back I had worked so hard to lose after having my son. This made me sad for myself. I stopped liking any of my clothes. I actually hate getting dressed in the morning right now, but that is something I’ve started working on.

I stopped having alcohol for the most part. I have it on special occasions or Sundays, but otherwise I’ve given it up. Two things have happened; my stomach is happier and I sleep better. That last one came as a surprise to me. For months I’ve been waking up at 3 AM, unable to fall back asleep. Now I sleep through the night. Of course now I stay up later reading so that might have something to do with it. It helps calm my brain and turn it off.

Then I started portion control and calorie counting. I know that shakes, clean eating, and whatever new diet fad is going on work for some people, but it’s just not for me. It’s awesome that people find what works for them! I like to eat food, and so I want to be able to eat what I want, just within reason. It’s what has always worked for me. It’s what I’m doing now.

Now I’m starting to walk again. Maybe I’ll try yoga again, but I’m also kind of interested in Pilates.  I have chronic migraines and muscle pain so I can’t really do any high endurance exercise. It wears me out, so I have to do what I know I can handle.

So this is only the beginning of finding me again. I’m trying to find happiness in little things throughout the day. I’m looking for the good that falls in with the bad. Let’s not lie to ourselves; there will always be some kind of bad that happens. Some kind of drama that unfolds itself when you least expect it, but there is always good in this world too.

I see the good in my son’s laughter, or when he learns something new. I see the good in my husband’s horrible jokes that make me laugh anyway. I love his hugs, and just being quiet with him. I love cooking, and baking. I’ve been scouring Pinterest for recipes I want to try in this “new” year.

I’ve started living again. I’ve started enjoying the little things like the smell of rain in the desert, or a good walk. I’ve discovered Arnold Palmers. Look I know those have been around for a while, but I’ve just now discovered them. They are amazing! They are the perfect afternoon drink.

I like Sunday dinners with my mom, and aunt, trying out new recipes for them or old ones that I tried and true.

I’ve started reading again! Like actually reading, and not just listening to audiobooks. After my father died, audiobooks were a godsend. They were exactly what I needed. The majority of books I read last year were audiobooks. So really I didn’t read them. I listened to them. I still count them though, because it takes brain power to listen actively to them. I still enjoy them, and always have at least one going.

I still miss my father. I still get angry that I didn’t have more time with him. I was sad around the holidays, because it was just hard not having him there. It wasn’t the first holiday season without him, but it was the first one that felt actually real. The one before I was still numb from it all. Things will pop up that remind me of him, and I get sad but also happy. I was lucky to have him as a father.

I was lucky.

I’ve grown since then though. I’ve molded into a new normal. I’m still floundering, but I’m making the most of it. There are still a lot of unknowns in the world, but for now I can live in the day to day mundaneness. I can enjoy that mundaneness. Sometimes it’s just sitting on the couch finishing a book. Other times it’s being in the moment with my son, while he sits on my lap watching whatever new show he likes on Netflix or PBS kids. It’s watching old favorite movies. It’s reading out loud to my son, or watching him play with his father.

It’s laughing again, really laughing, and feeling it deep in your stomach.

So maybe the only impact I’ll make will be on myself, and my family. It’s good though. It’s happiness.

When I say New Year New Me, I mean it. I really really mean it this time.

 

 

Currently 1/11/2017

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I cleaned out my son’s playroom while he was off playing at the park with Husband. I went through and got rid of anything that was broken, that he didn’t really play with and a lot of little toys that he had doubles of.

I got all my organization baskets from Target, and I put together a new 4 cube bookcase for the playroom. That book case was a total bear to put together. It looked like it should have been easy, but it wasn’t. It’s also from Target.

I made sure to organize all his toys by type…so go go smart wheels, duplo legos, and mega blocs. He mostly plays with his go go smart wheels, which is why he has so much of them. For Christmas we got him one more set, and also extra tracks because he likes to connect them all together and make a little village with them. He can spend hours with these toys.

The bookcases have some of my books in them on the top shelf so they aren’t all his. FYI if you didn’t know I read ALOT.

  • Right now I’m reading Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. I’m actually almost done with it. I got a few books from the library that I’m hoping to get to soon.
  • I can’t wait to watch last nights episode of This is Us! Ugh I love this show so much. Mandy Moore has always been a favorite of mine, and she is phenomenal in this show along with all the other characters. This is the only new show I picked up this season.
  • Other things I watched this week: the new fixer upper, Monday afternoon for whatever reason I watched Kid’s Baking Championship on Food Network all afternoon. I cried pretty much all the way through Miracles From Heaven. Seriously! The whole movie I was sobbing. Then i went and hugged my son after I finished it that night. I also watched The Parent Trap on Netflix.
  • My son started preschool again this week, and he was very happy to get back to that routine. He loves school right now. He gets to run around on the playground and do crafts. It’s probably the best thing I ever did for him.
  • He’s not quite ready to give up Christmas though as we are still watching Frosty the Snowman.
  • I have family from Sweden in town right now, and so I’m making my enchiladas tonight for them.

~ Christa