Canvas, Unfinished

All,
My,
Life.

I’ve felt awkward.

Even at thirty-five,
I still feel unpolished.

I don’t belong in my skin.
Someone calls me beautiful,
on a regular basis.
My son still sees me,
Through innocent eyes.

An unfinished canvas.

To me though,
My mind,
My soul,
My body,
feels ungraceful.

There’s still work to do.

I’m stumbling,
Along.
Still,
Living,
My Life,
In awkwardness.

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January Reads

  1. Scrappy Little Nobody – Anna Kendrick
  2. Carry On Warrior – Glennon Doyle Melto
  3. Year of Yes – Shonda Rhimes
  4. The Creeping – Alexandra Sirowy
  5. In Cold Blood – Truman Capote
  6. Wonder – R.J. Palacio
  7. Cream Puff Murder – JoAnne Fluke (audiobook/reread)
  8. Agatha Raisin and the Witch of Wyckhadden – M.C. Beaton (audiobook)

 

I read a lot of nonfiction this month, which isn’t my usual go to books. I prefer fiction. My favorite of those was Shonda Rhimes book. I’m an introvert like her, and like her i always find no easier to say then yes. The book just really resonated in me, and gave me the lift I needed to start finding my own way. My least favorite was In Cold Blood, which I found the book to be really interesting to read it was just a little slow for me. Also the descriptions in the beginning were unnerving since this book was a true crime book.

I loved Wonder, there were times when it was heart breaking, and other times where it made me smile. The ending was my favorite. I felt pretty meh about The Creeping. There were definitly times where it was pretty creepy. At one point I was reading it in the dark with my book light since everyone else was asleep. I was pretty creeped out by it and had to put it down until the morning. The reason it fell short for me was because of the ending. It felt way to obvious through most of the book on where it was going. The other fact of Stella’s not really having any present parental units is just way to convenient of a plot line. I’m pretty tired of that. I also couldn’t stand her best friend Zoe, but I guess she wasn’t really meant to be all that likeable.

I listened to two audiobooks this month. I usually listen to them to go to bed at night so I like to listen to cozy murder mysteries or books that are fluff. I’ve already read all the Hannah Swensen books, and they’re full of fluff, and perfect for me to fall asleep too. I listen more now for the stories of the characters then the actual mystery part. The other book I listened to was the 9th book in the Agatha Raisin series. It was as usual funny, and better at the mystery telling part.

I’ve started Where’d you Go Bernadette, but this month I’ve been kind of tired from reading. I watched the entire first season of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend instead. I LOVED that show, and i can’t wait for season two to show up on February 11.

That’s it for now.

How I Feel About Being a Stay At Home Mom

I read a lot of articles and satire articles about what it’s like to be a stay at home mom. I am one so therefore I relate to them. 

They are often about how it’s tiring and rewarding all at the same time. That 4PM is kind of an evil hour, and it’s a “please bring me some wine hour”. I don’t really like wine unless it’s Rosé. If the day has been kind of bad then I’m more of a “please bring me some Red’s Apple ale, or Rum and Coke.” More likely though I’ll just beg to check out early, and go to bed at 7:30 PM. I’m always happy when my husband walks through the door regardless of how the day went though, probably a little bit more on bad days.

Then this morning I was lying in bed dozing before I actually had to get up. It’s that magic hour where everything is quiet, and I don’t have to quite get myself going. As I was lying there I suddenly thought to myself, “I like being home.” I’ve always liked being home. It’s something a lot of people don’t understand. I don’t actually care if I don’t make it out the door on some days. I don’t feel crazy if I don’t talk to an adult until almost 6pm.

If I weren’t a stay at home Mom I’d still want a job where I had to do very little interacting. In fact the job I had before I had my son I spent most of it behind a computer monitor, and most of my conversations were via email. I wasn’t fond of that job, but I liked that I had very little interaction with the public. It was all interoffice, and I absolutely loved my coworkers. I was good at it too, and so that also made me feel good about it. At the end of the day though, I’d rather be at home in my pajamas.

.There are days where I am running around doing errands, going to the gym, house chores, playing with my kid, and sometimes I’m just present with him. I always shower at night, and so I don’t fall into the non-showering spectrum of being a stay at home mom. Then there are those days where I really do watch TV all day because I’m exhausted.

I like being a stay at home mom. It’s hard. I complain a lot. Especially when my kid has turned into a threenager in more ways then one. (I.E. the power struggle with a toddler is real.) It is tough. Some days end in crying. Some days as I said before end early and I go to bed at 7:30 because I can’t imagine facing the day any more. Some days can be wonderful. Some days are full of good conversation. They are full of laughter, and end with a good book, movie or This Is Us. I write all the different kinds of days down in my journal. It’s good to have the bad so you can appreciate the good. It helps to see what you can truly be grateful for.

If I were to really get down to the nitty gritty of it all, being home is easier on me for my generalized anxiety disorder. I knew a long time ago I wanted to be a stay at home mom if it was ever going to be possible. It is hard to be a mom with anxiety and some times depression. I’ve learned how to function with it, but it can still be hard.

I tried working part time while being a mom, and I found I was more stressed and anxious.  It wasn’t greener on the other side for me. I felt like I was missing things with my just turned one year old. He was learning so much, and I wanted to be there.  So we made the decision that I would go back to being home with him. It was the best decision I ever made for myself. I wouldn’t change it.

I don’t just like being a stay home mom. I love it, even with all the hardships that come along with it.

Building Up

If I were being honest, aside from my family*, I often feel lonely. Sometimes even alone.

I have friends. I get to see them sometimes. I know they care and love me, but as you get older every day life begins to happen. We’re not always in the same place in life, and we struggle with things differently. I Know I can talk to them at any time, but thing is…

The thing IS;

Well back when I first had my son I was fine. I was happy. I loved being his mama. It was my world. I didn’t know. I didn’t know there was a whole outside to this little world that I was acquainted with.

Back then the worst thing would have been spilling my large Diet Coke from McDonald’s. I probably would have cried, ok exaggerating here. I wouldn’t have cried, but it sure would have made the day feel sour.

Now when I spill it, I see it as a thing. I see it as something that while I’m annoyed about, I am just numb to it. I say oh shit, and then clean it up, and hope my kid doesn’t start running around saying “oh shit”. I’m a little sad because I only have half of it left, but it doesn’t matter

I’ve lost far greater things.

Of course I texted a couple people about the incident, but not because I was upset about it. I texted them because I actually thought to myself and saw it happening as I was walking in holding it in a precarious manner. I didn’t spill it in the way I visualized. I spilled it in a completely different way. I said to My son”well that was weird”.

He laughed. I laughed, and said “see we all spill things sometimes, even mama.” Then I cleaned it up and was annoyed because uh it was soda from McDonald’s. They have the most delicious soda ever.

But I brushed it off, because I’ve felt worse.

I don’t mean to take away from anyone that doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I can’t degrade anyone’s pain. We are all struggling with something some days. It’s just some days I feel awfully lonely. I struggle.

I struggle because even though I know I have people that care about what happens to me, but I am still genuinely afraid of rejection.

I’m afraid to ask to make plans. I’d  blame it on being an introvert, but also I just get anxious about everything.

I know a lot of this is my fault. I closed in on myself. I didn’t want to care. I wanted to take an eternal nap, or watch every single episode of The Middle in an entire week.

I’m trying now though, taking baby steps, and they frighten me. I feel lonely. I don’t know how to begin to try again. I don’t know where I stand

I just have to keep building up again.

*the one I grew up with, and the one I married in to.

That One Time I was a Party Girl

That title might be a little misleading, except it’s exactly what it is. It was the one day I where I drank my weight in alcohol. That may be a bit of an exaggeration though.

First though this involves my cousin. She is my best friend, my person, the Christina to my Meredith, and the sister I never had. I will always refer to her as my luff from now in any story where I talk about her. Now that that’s out of the way I can start my story.

Timehop and Facebook are reminding me that this not so long ago I had boarded a plane the day before to go to Seattle, Wa. I’ve been going to Seattle since I was 8 so it’s like a second home to me. It’s my favorite place, and feels like my happy place whenever I go there.

In fact when I board the plane to go home while I miss my bed, and my friends I still wish I could stay a few more days, weeks, months….forever.

I went with just my mom, and left my husband home. We had only been married 8 months, but my mom had gotten me a really good deal on a plane ticket to go with her. I believe this was the first time I got to see my Aunt and Uncles new house that we often refer to as the castle. I mean it’s straight up like a dream home, and the view is phenomenal. Like you’re gazing out the kitchen window and you can see the city off in the distance, and then you turn and look in another direction and you see Mt. Rainier, it’s the perfect view to see it when it finally erupts. I kid.

This trip though I still got to stay at my Grandma’s house a few nights because she hadn’t sold it yet. Ugh I miss my Grandma’s house terribly. It felt like the end of era when she finally sold it later that year. I’m babbling. I’m reminiscing. I could go on.

According to Facebook though, I had woken up in my luff’s apartment on Mercer Island. She doesn’t live there anymore, and in fact SO MUCH has changed since then. This apartment was one of my favorite places she lived in. She was on the upper level, and she had a great view looking out of her tiny little balcony. I remember drinking tea, and watching it snow.

On Facebook it says “It appears that no matter where I sleep, I am to be woken up by a cat that wants to sit on me.”

That can only be Mila, and I vividly remember her staring at me.

Later that day we drove over to the castle so I could finally see it, and then we drove over to the golf course to see my other cousin who I’ll refer to as Boy. Partly because that is what one of my other cousin’s always called him. It’s pretty fitting for him too because he’s the youngest of us all. He was a bartender at the restaurant at the top of the hill of the golf course. I guess this is where the story really begins. I mean does it? I don’t know.

We started drinking there around 4:15 PM. Boy made us shots called Lemon Drops, because we told him to concoct something and surprise us. They were delicious. Then we had some more. Then we went back to her apartment….where I think we had more to drink. I honestly can’t remember.

The thing I remember next is going to this Irish Bar that we had been going to since circa 2009 I think. I don’t know whenever my luff had turned 21 that’s when we started going there, and we drank normal civilized people all the other times. This bar had a little Irish guy as the bar tender. He might take offense to me referring him as little… hmmm. I don’t care I’ll never see him again because I think I heard he got fired.

My luff convinced me to get some kind of spinach and avocado dip that had shrimp in it. I don’t like shrimp. I don’t like much sea food in general, except Salmon. Salmon is delicious especially when baked. I also like a good Tuna Fish Sandwhich, but shrimp blech. I let her eat most of it. I feel like there must have been some kind of other food but I don’t know. Maybe French fries? Maybe a salad? Do Irish Carbombs count as food??? Because that’s what I consumed.

This is about the time that the little Irish Bar Tender thought it would be awesome to get me drunk. I wasn’t driving so he didn’t care. So my drinks….were all rum and maybe a trickle of coke, just to give it color. I was so drunk that I had a brilliant idea. You only have these kinds of brilliant ideas when you stumble off the bar stool. This idea was “you know what we should do?!?! We should smoke weed!”

Seriously this was my first time smoking weed. I had tried cigarettes when I was like 20, and never did that again because I ended up with the worst migraine ever. (Well at least one of the top ten worst ones. I get them pretty regularly).

So here I was totally drunk, and then I smoked weed. My luff convinced me we should watch this movie called MacGruber because I said it looked kind of awful. She wanted to prove me wrong. I don’t remember any of it. I remember suddenly I couldn’t see straight, and I remember walking possibly running to the bathroom. I shut the door and then spent at least 30 minutes to an hour sitting by porcelain throne. So in my opinion MacGruber was not very good.

The next day she dragged me through Seattle super hung over so that we could go to the aquarium down at the water. The steps to Pikes Market are still my nemesis. At least there were cute Otters to see. (Seriously if I could have one for a pet I totally would.) Maybe one day I’ll run about and down them with the Rocky Theme blaring on my iPod. I refused to go out that night or touch a drop of alcohol. instead we sat lazing around drinking tea and watch The Office on Netflix.

Moral of the story guys….don’t drink and smoke weed, or at least I won’t drink and smoke weed. I will also, never have Irish Carbombs again. NEVER EVER.

Epilogue….I’ve never “partied” like that again.  I’m getting too old for that shit.

January TBR

I’m going to try something new this year in terms of my reading. I love making TBR lists, but I don’t really like to follow them. This is mostly because I generally choose my book based on the mood I am feeling. This time to help with that I picked out books in different genres.

I’ve picked out 7 books, all of which i already owned. I’m just going to read them randomly and in no particular order.

First up I have a book turned movieA Monster Calls by Patrick Ness.

Then I have a series children’s book my brother told me about. I picked up the first book at my local used book store: Magyk (Septimus Heap) by Angie Sage

I started The Magician’s trilogy awhile ago so i picked The Magician King by Lev Grossman as a book that I’d like to finish out the trilogy/series.

My Owlcrate book: Of Fire and Stars by Audrey Coulthurst

Chicklit: Wedding Night by Sophia Kinsella

Fiction: Leaving Time by Jodi Picoult

Nonfiction:Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy Beautiful Life by Glennon Doyle Melton

So that’s it for now. I like to talk about books, so if I’m passionate enough about any of these I’ll write about them this month!