That One Time I was a Party Girl

That title might be a little misleading, except it’s exactly what it is. It was the one day I where I drank my weight in alcohol. That may be a bit of an exaggeration though.

First though this involves my cousin. She is my best friend, my person, the Christina to my Meredith, and the sister I never had. I will always refer to her as my luff from now in any story where I talk about her. Now that that’s out of the way I can start my story.

Timehop and Facebook are reminding me that this not so long ago I had boarded a plane the day before to go to Seattle, Wa. I’ve been going to Seattle since I was 8 so it’s like a second home to me. It’s my favorite place, and feels like my happy place whenever I go there.

In fact when I board the plane to go home while I miss my bed, and my friends I still wish I could stay a few more days, weeks, months….forever.

I went with just my mom, and left my husband home. We had only been married 8 months, but my mom had gotten me a really good deal on a plane ticket to go with her. I believe this was the first time I got to see my Aunt and Uncles new house that we often refer to as the castle. I mean it’s straight up like a dream home, and the view is phenomenal. Like you’re gazing out the kitchen window and you can see the city off in the distance, and then you turn and look in another direction and you see Mt. Rainier, it’s the perfect view to see it when it finally erupts. I kid.

This trip though I still got to stay at my Grandma’s house a few nights because she hadn’t sold it yet. Ugh I miss my Grandma’s house terribly. It felt like the end of era when she finally sold it later that year. I’m babbling. I’m reminiscing. I could go on.

According to Facebook though, I had woken up in my luff’s apartment on Mercer Island. She doesn’t live there anymore, and in fact SO MUCH has changed since then. This apartment was one of my favorite places she lived in. She was on the upper level, and she had a great view looking out of her tiny little balcony. I remember drinking tea, and watching it snow.

On Facebook it says “It appears that no matter where I sleep, I am to be woken up by a cat that wants to sit on me.”

That can only be Mila, and I vividly remember her staring at me.

Later that day we drove over to the castle so I could finally see it, and then we drove over to the golf course to see my other cousin who I’ll refer to as Boy. Partly because that is what one of my other cousin’s always called him. It’s pretty fitting for him too because he’s the youngest of us all. He was a bartender at the restaurant at the top of the hill of the golf course. I guess this is where the story really begins. I mean does it? I don’t know.

We started drinking there around 4:15 PM. Boy made us shots called Lemon Drops, because we told him to concoct something and surprise us. They were delicious. Then we had some more. Then we went back to her apartment….where I think we had more to drink. I honestly can’t remember.

The thing I remember next is going to this Irish Bar that we had been going to since circa 2009 I think. I don’t know whenever my luff had turned 21 that’s when we started going there, and we drank normal civilized people all the other times. This bar had a little Irish guy as the bar tender. He might take offense to me referring him as little… hmmm. I don’t care I’ll never see him again because I think I heard he got fired.

My luff convinced me to get some kind of spinach and avocado dip that had shrimp in it. I don’t like shrimp. I don’t like much sea food in general, except Salmon. Salmon is delicious especially when baked. I also like a good Tuna Fish Sandwhich, but shrimp blech. I let her eat most of it. I feel like there must have been some kind of other food but I don’t know. Maybe French fries? Maybe a salad? Do Irish Carbombs count as food??? Because that’s what I consumed.

This is about the time that the little Irish Bar Tender thought it would be awesome to get me drunk. I wasn’t driving so he didn’t care. So my drinks….were all rum and maybe a trickle of coke, just to give it color. I was so drunk that I had a brilliant idea. You only have these kinds of brilliant ideas when you stumble off the bar stool. This idea was “you know what we should do?!?! We should smoke weed!”

Seriously this was my first time smoking weed. I had tried cigarettes when I was like 20, and never did that again because I ended up with the worst migraine ever. (Well at least one of the top ten worst ones. I get them pretty regularly).

So here I was totally drunk, and then I smoked weed. My luff convinced me we should watch this movie called MacGruber because I said it looked kind of awful. She wanted to prove me wrong. I don’t remember any of it. I remember suddenly I couldn’t see straight, and I remember walking possibly running to the bathroom. I shut the door and then spent at least 30 minutes to an hour sitting by porcelain throne. So in my opinion MacGruber was not very good.

The next day she dragged me through Seattle super hung over so that we could go to the aquarium down at the water. The steps to Pikes Market are still my nemesis. At least there were cute Otters to see. (Seriously if I could have one for a pet I totally would.) Maybe one day I’ll run about and down them with the Rocky Theme blaring on my iPod. I refused to go out that night or touch a drop of alcohol. instead we sat lazing around drinking tea and watch The Office on Netflix.

Moral of the story guys….don’t drink and smoke weed, or at least I won’t drink and smoke weed. I will also, never have Irish Carbombs again. NEVER EVER.

Epilogue….I’ve never “partied” like that again.  I’m getting too old for that shit.


3 lB Cinnamon Roll Metaphor

Last night I was sitting in bed on Facebook as I often do before I go to bed, and I saw this video about a 3 LB cinnamon roll that they serve at Lulu’s Bakery and Cafe in San Antonio, TX.

Of course I had to get out of bed and show Husband this video. His first reaction was “seriously you interrupted me to show me a 3 lb cinnamon roll, it should have been at least 5 lbs.”

Then he said, “Let’s do it,”

Of course we cant. We have a child, and bills to pay, and all the mundane responsibilities that come with adulthood.

Then I said “You know if we were in our early twenties we would totally do it,”

Then Husband made some kind of sexual joke, and he said “oh you mean just up and go to San Antonio for a 3 lb cinnamon roll? Yeah totally.”

Being a teenager was alright, but I wouldn’t go back to that for the world. No ice cream for dinner, no all night adventures, and acne? No Thank you, (OK that last one never happened to me. It was something first ever friend always hated me for. I just never broke out, and still don’t)

My early twenties though…like 20-25 heck yes! It’s when you’re in limbo of still being young and having to become an adult. I mean yes I worked at Blockbuster (Moment of silence for Blockbuster. I cry a little bit every time I think about how my son will ask me why I have a plastic card for some place called Blockbuster still in my wallet. I’ll just say those were simpler times son. Simpler times.) Where was I? Oh yes being 20ish. I had a job, and one that would often keep me working until past midnight since that’s when they closed. It was a job though. My college job.

This means that I could stay out all night long, and not EVEN get tired. That’s probably because I could sleep in until 2 PM before I had to go to work. I still lived with my parents at the time so I only had bills like my credit card, and phone. Well also I had to pay for gas.

These were the times that we paid for fast food with the change from our piggy banks, and ran around Walmart because it was open 24 hours. There wasn’t much to do in the town I grew up in.

So yes we would have hopped in the car without a thought or care in the world and drove all night just get a 3 lb cinnamon roll. Husband told me he once drove all the way to the Grand Canyon and back in one day BY HIMSELF. He didn’t even tell anyone he was going. Once we started dating I told him that was not going to happen. My anxiety disorder prevents him from being able to up and go somewhere without telling me. I mean now also, that’s just common sense when you’re married.

Also to be fair we probably would have also done that other thing he made a joke about, and then in our euphoria of the love making we would have been like man a cinnamon roll sounds great, because neither of us smokes.

My 30s have been fine, not always great but fine. They just don’t hold the innocence and dreams that one holds when they are young and still finding their way. I mean I’m still struggling to figure out who I am so that’s not exactly over. I feel like life is an ever evolving door that you walk through, and mold yourself to it. Some parts of you stay the same while other parts grow and mature.

I just sometimes wish I could go back every so often to where we drove around for hours in the middle of the night, the windows rolled down, and the Eminem Show album was up so loud that I’m surprised I’m not deaf. No worries or cares. Enjoying the moment, and just being.

The Loss of My Father

One of the worst things I was told a lot when I found out my dad had terminal cancer was; “well at least you know it’s going to happen so you can make the most of the time you have left” or some shit like that. I would have put that more eloquently, but it was the kind of thing that didn’t need to be put that way.

I didn’t really have time because instead I had to watch him slowly wither away to the frail frame he became. He didn’t want me to see him like that either, and I had a two year old that didn’t want to sit still at the time.

I remember the day we were waiting to hear what the prognosis was. I was so anxious that I decided to clean out and organize the pantry and the spice cabinet. I got through the entire spice cabinet, and when I got to the canned goods I was informed that the cancer was back, and it was terminal this time. He had two years at the most. The can of Hunts Diced Tomatoes blurred before my eyes, as the tears dripped down my face and I felt completely helpless.

If I rewind to 4 years earlier they had found some cancer in my father’s head. It was removed, and they said he was cancer free. He bought himself a nook, and proceeded to read all the books from his childhood, and more.

He had melanoma though, and it is one of the most aggressive cancers. Fast foward to the end of 2014 and they found more in his neck. It was removed, and my entire family came for Thanksgiving because we were afraid it would be the last Thanksgiving we would get to celebrate together with my dad. I didn’t want to think in those terms because they had said at the time the cancer was gone.

I didn’t know just 7 months later I would be sitting in my kitchen crying over a can of Diced Tomatoes. The redness of it still blurs in my memories. I regrouped myself though because I believed I still had at least two more years.

I didn’t.

July 4th my dad was brought in to the hospital for complications. The cancer had spread into his back, and was basically forming into his bones. It was slowly taking him before my eyes. I went into see him, and this is the last time he hugged me. I mean really hugged me. I still remember his dad’s scent. At least my dad’s scent. I walked in and my mom said ‘tell her everything that’s going on,”

He said “in a minute, I just want to hold my baby for a little while.”

I’m the youngest of three, and the only girl. I’m also the only one he got to be in the hospital room with when I was born. He held me first, because my mom went into surgery.

That summer was one of the longest summer’s I remember enduring. One of the days I sat outside of the hospital on the bench waiting for my husband to get the car. I was crying in that quiet way because I hate crying in public. It was the kind of crying that hurts both physically and emotionally because you’re trying to hard to hold it in. A woman who worked in the hospital walked up to me, and asked if I was alright.

I said yes, only because at the time I didn’t need counseling or consoling since my husband was less then five minutes away. I didn’t want a stranger to feel sorry for me.

I ate hospital food for lunch a few times.

I was watching Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp when my mom came over in the evening to tell me it was time to put him in hospice.

They moved my dad into a nursing home, and my mom was doing her best to be strong. I had to take her home one afternoon though, and we drank rum and cokes and watched Pride and Prejudice. Then I ordered cheese pizza from papa johns, extra sauce. It was the most delicious pizza I had had in a while. The monsoons rolled in that afternoon, as they often do during the summer here.

While he was in the nursing home, he took my hand and said “You’ll be alright,” and then he made me cry because he said “You’ll tell your son all about me right?”

Yes, yes yes, a million times yes. I will make sure he knows who you were and what you were to me.

The last time I remember talking to my dad was when they did this little service for him because he was in the navy. It was an honoring service, and after my mom, brothers and I went to eat at Outback while my dad slept. A really horrible monsoon storm came in while we were there, and my mom and brothers wouldn’t let me leave.

Monsoon storms are a force to be reckoned with. They roll in out of nowhere, and the rain is so torrential that it causes flash flooding. There is sometimes hail the size of golf balls, and the thunder is loud, and the lightning is bright. This storm was exactly like that but ten times worse. So I went back in, and we all talked just the five of us as a family one last time. I didn’t know it would be the last time at the time. We still thought he had at least six months, but he was slowly deteriorating. He barely drank, and he really didn’t eat. He had gotten so skinny.

The man I once knew wasn’t there anymore.

By the end of the week my mom told me she didn’t think he had much longer. She told my brothers we all needed to be together. I don’t remember much, but when my mom called me and said I had to come right away I was doing another mundane task. I was folding my Harry Potter socks. It was a Sunday and I dropped everything and told my husband I had to leave right away. I just left, and this car drive took forever. It seemed like I hit every single red light, and slow driver.

I didn’t make it in time. I saw my brother first, and I don’t remember what he said but he took me into his arms and I cried. I cried so much that day, and for the next few months. I still cry. I’ll be walking along fine, and then suddenly something will pop up and remind me of him. The holidays have been pretty hard since his passing.

They told us we had two years. We only had two months. When losing someone you deeply care about, no way is better. If it’s sudden and you weren’t expecting it, you wish you could get back some of that time. You probably think of all the things you would do differently. When you have to watch them die, you just want their suffering to end. You wish it was sudden because anything is better then this. Anything is better then all the waiting. Waiting for the end.

“Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It’s out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It’s hard to let you go” Linkin Park

The truth is even if you know you have time, you still think about the things you wish you had done differently. You still wish you had spent more time with the person. You wish you had written down all the stories they told a million times at every holiday and Sunday dinner meal. You wish you could their book down, because everyone has a story. A legacy. Everyone is interesting. I guess if I could give any advice for someone that is struggling through this right now then get their story. Write it down for your kids so that they can know how great of a person he or she was, and how much they meant to you.

The following is a site to bring awareness for melanoma, and a hope to find a cure:

Note: My mom probably wouldn’t want me to write this, but I need to. I need to get out. It’s how I cope with things. Writing is my catharsis.


Currently 1/3/17

1.) I once had this idea that I could do a food blog, but then realized it just wasn’t my thing. I LOVE cooking, but I can’t come up with recipes on the fly. I like to take already written up recipes and adapt them. I feel like that doesn’t make it really MY recipe. Now I do have some things I make pretty regularly that I made up myself so it’s not entirely true that I don’t have anything. Also I have a lot of family recipes I like to make too. Eventually I’d like to do my own family cookbook, but I think that’s as far as that dream goes.

2.) Yesterday was a busy day of shopping at Sprouts and going to the grocery store. I ended it by making one of my favorite chicken noodle soup recipes. It’s from the Betty Crocker Cookbook. I always buy a rotisseri chicken from Sprouts  or Costco to really make it delicious. My husband likes his soups more hearty so I often have less liquid in them. Really the only thing I change to this soup is add Dill and Season Salt.

3.) I ended up having a really horrible migraine last night and went to bed at 6:30. Woke up at 10 really grumpy so I made myself some tea and watched The Parent Trap. The original one, not the Lindsay Lohan one, and I can’t tell you how excited I am that it’s actually on Netflix. Now I need Summer Magic and Pollyanna to show up on there and I’ll be one happy Hayley Mills fan.

4.)I’m reading Carry On Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton  right now, but I’m only on Page 23. So far my favorite quote is “I start feeling empty and restless, and instead of remembering that sometimes life is uncomfortable and empty everywhere, I decide that bliss is just a new house or town or state away. It isn’t. Where you go, there you are. Your emptiness goes with you. Maddening”

It took me awhile to realize this. It’s not that I was able to move a lot, but I often enter in to a fight or flight mode when life gets tough. I always want to flee, but the truth is you can’t. You take yourself with you. I learned this from the second season of Felicity.

5.) Right now I’m cooking a whole roaster chicken. It’s only the second time I’ve made it. Preparing the thing is always unpleasant to me, but in the end it turns out to be some of the most delicious chicken ever. I just cook it low and slow in my crock pot. I plan to use it for salads and chicken cauliflower fried rice this week.

6.) I’ve been coloring at the counter while I wait for breakfast, lunch or dinner cooks. It’s a good way to not watch a pot boil. I have crayons, markers and color pencils. Right now my coloring instrument of choice is markers.

7.) I have a DSLR, actually I have two. The first one was a gift from my husband when we were dating, and the other was my father’s. I was given it after he passed away. I love these cameras. I love the pictures that come from them, but now I’m researching for a smaller one that also takes video. I just want something small that I can carry around with me that isn’t my phone.

8.) It’s Tuesday, that means Fixer Upper is on all day. I always like when Fixer Upper is on all day, and when there are new ones I always text my husband to tell him we will be moving to Waco immediately, like tomorrow.

*The above pictures were taken with a Canon Rebel T1i and edited in lightroom. I’m still learning, and teaching myself so bare with me.

January TBR

I’m going to try something new this year in terms of my reading. I love making TBR lists, but I don’t really like to follow them. This is mostly because I generally choose my book based on the mood I am feeling. This time to help with that I picked out books in different genres.

I’ve picked out 7 books, all of which i already owned. I’m just going to read them randomly and in no particular order.

First up I have a book turned movieA Monster Calls by Patrick Ness.

Then I have a series children’s book my brother told me about. I picked up the first book at my local used book store: Magyk (Septimus Heap) by Angie Sage

I started The Magician’s trilogy awhile ago so i picked The Magician King by Lev Grossman as a book that I’d like to finish out the trilogy/series.

My Owlcrate book: Of Fire and Stars by Audrey Coulthurst

Chicklit: Wedding Night by Sophia Kinsella

Fiction: Leaving Time by Jodi Picoult

Nonfiction:Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy Beautiful Life by Glennon Doyle Melton

So that’s it for now. I like to talk about books, so if I’m passionate enough about any of these I’ll write about them this month!

Movies and Television 2016

I saw most of these from Redbox,  and on Amazon, Hulu, Netflix, and DVDs I bought. I think I saw a total of four movies in the theater. I just can’t find the time to go right now.

The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill and Came Down a Mountain
The Last Five Years
The Awakening
The Loft
Ted 2
The Good Dinosaur
Hotel Transylvania 2
Inside Out
The Peanuts Movie
The Silence of the Lambs
Inside Out
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Hot Pursuit
The Intern
Neighbors 2
102 Minutes that Changed America
The Choice
Bridge of Spies
The 5th Wave
The Boy Next Door
27 Dresses
Fantastic Four (2015)
Amy Schumer live at the Apollo
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
The Big Short
Made of Honor
The Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials
The Secret Life of Pets
Mothers Day
Jason Bourne
The Angry Birds Movie
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Final Destination
Becoming Jane
Must Love Dogs
Me Before You
Money Monster
Captain America: Civil War
The Nice Guys
Batman Vs Superman
The Shallows
Ghostbusters (2016) 4X
Love and Friendship
Alice Through the Looking Glass
Mr. Right
Poltergeist (2015)
Never Been Kissed
Crocodile Dundee
Under the Tuscan Sun
How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days
Failure to Launch
Julie and Julia
P.S. I Love You
Christian Mingle
The Great Outdoors
Finding Dory
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
The Hobbit trilogy
Pride and Prejudice
Independence Day Resurgence
Home Alone
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
The Secret Life of Pets
Love Actually
The Grinch
Rudolph the Rednose reindeer
Frosty the Snowman
Charlie Brown Christmas
The Night Before (2x)
The Secret Life of Pets
Bad Mom’s
The Holiday
Miss Peregrin’s  School for the Peculiar
Bridget Jones’s Baby

Forensic Files Season 1-2
Breaking Bad season 4-5
Broadchurch Season 1-2
Fuller House Seasons 1-2
Miss Fishers Murder Mysteries series 1-3
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 2
The Muppets Season 1
Game of Thrones Season 2-6
Supernatural (rewatch) Season 1-5
Doc Martin 1-6
Popples (Netflix) season 1-3
Nightmare Nextdoor season 6-8
Stranger Things Season 1
Sherlock Season 2-3
R.L. Stines The Haunting Hour Season 1-2
Ask the Storybots Season 1
The Office Season 1-3(rewatch)
Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell
Supergirl season 1
Call the Midwife season 5
Kids bakeoff championship
Diners, Drive Ins and Dives (all the series on Netflix)
Friends Season 5-10 (rewatch)
Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life Of
The Middle seasons 1-5(rewatch)

Shows I kept up with: Once Upon A Time, The Flash, iZombie, The Middle, Supernatural, Last Man Standing, Outlander, Fixer Upper, Ghost Adventures , Westworld, This Is Us

Podcasts – Serial