Canvas, Unfinished

All,
My,
Life.

I’ve felt awkward.

Even at thirty-five,
I still feel unpolished.

I don’t belong in my skin.
Someone calls me beautiful,
on a regular basis.
My son still sees me,
Through innocent eyes.

An unfinished canvas.

To me though,
My mind,
My soul,
My body,
feels ungraceful.

There’s still work to do.

I’m stumbling,
Along.
Still,
Living,
My Life,
In awkwardness.

Beginnings

Once upon a time

I thought the world,

Of everything.

Then a hand came down,

And smacked me.

It broke my legs,

So I went tumbling down.

I forgot my knees,

were there to save me.

It bruised my heart

It cut me dry.

The blood ran cold,

My lungs struggled for breath.

But my brain,

It thought

No not like this,

It hit my heart with an electric current.

It told my lungs you stupid girl.

It poured tears into my eyes,

As I began to feel.

This is not the end,

This story said.

It’s only the beginning.

I wrote this on November 27, 2016

The Role of Unrequited Love

I once had a friendship that turned into one of those unrequited love things.

It was a love that picked me up and swept me away in stolen drunken kisses. I remember sitting outside his friend’s apartment and he fell into me. He wrapped his arms around me, and breathed in my hair, and said “your hair always smells good”. It was from that point on that I always made sure to spritz a heavy spray of Victoria’s Secret body spray in my hair from then on when I knew I would see him.

Strange, things a teenage girl will do.

As evidence from the following poem that I wrote during this time in my life, the “relationship” was doomed;

Sitting on the steps,
Between now & forever.
Watching the stars,
get carried away by the storm.

Drenched in opportunity,
You and I sat alone.
(strangers in the night)

I think I’m falling into you.
This feeling is so new.
An illusion of love,
I thought it felt real,
but maybe it was just my mind reeling,
on an intoxication level.

Wish the night had lasted forever,
But you like to move on to someone new.
I am for the time being,
Still I may be falling for you.

(Fun fact this poem was written using Senior prom themes I found out of a book at my best friend’s house.)

This love lasted for years on my part. I was 23 when I finally told myself it was time to let go, and I had to let that friendship go too. It was one of the hardest things I had to do at that point. He was never going to love me the way I loved him. I was never going to be able to fix him, because at the time he didn’t want to fix himself.

He broke my heart so many times, and for whatever reason I just stuck around. I kept hoping he’d suddenly open his eyes and see what was standing there in front of him all along. This was a lesson I had to learn, not everyone is always going to love you back.

It’s not that my friendship to him wasn’t important, because it was. He called me his best friend, which is maybe why I kept so much hope stored away. I know I played a role in his life, but it wasn’t the one I wanted. Looking back on this stage in my life I like to refer to Garth Brooks’s wise words “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”

In the long run he would never have made me happy. He would not have given me the comfort of home the way I needed it. When I was a teenager I didn’t understand that. I was so swept up in the wildness of it. The late cold nights spent just talking with him by desert bonfires. I stole a shirt from him, and refused to give it back. I kept that shirt for years. I had loved that boy with every fiber of my being, but I had finally gotten over him. It took me a few years to actually get closure with him, but the day I met my husband I got rid of that shirt.

Everything had changed.