January Reads

  1. Scrappy Little Nobody – Anna Kendrick
  2. Carry On Warrior – Glennon Doyle Melto
  3. Year of Yes – Shonda Rhimes
  4. The Creeping – Alexandra Sirowy
  5. In Cold Blood – Truman Capote
  6. Wonder – R.J. Palacio
  7. Cream Puff Murder – JoAnne Fluke (audiobook/reread)
  8. Agatha Raisin and the Witch of Wyckhadden – M.C. Beaton (audiobook)

 

I read a lot of nonfiction this month, which isn’t my usual go to books. I prefer fiction. My favorite of those was Shonda Rhimes book. I’m an introvert like her, and like her i always find no easier to say then yes. The book just really resonated in me, and gave me the lift I needed to start finding my own way. My least favorite was In Cold Blood, which I found the book to be really interesting to read it was just a little slow for me. Also the descriptions in the beginning were unnerving since this book was a true crime book.

I loved Wonder, there were times when it was heart breaking, and other times where it made me smile. The ending was my favorite. I felt pretty meh about The Creeping. There were definitly times where it was pretty creepy. At one point I was reading it in the dark with my book light since everyone else was asleep. I was pretty creeped out by it and had to put it down until the morning. The reason it fell short for me was because of the ending. It felt way to obvious through most of the book on where it was going. The other fact of Stella’s not really having any present parental units is just way to convenient of a plot line. I’m pretty tired of that. I also couldn’t stand her best friend Zoe, but I guess she wasn’t really meant to be all that likeable.

I listened to two audiobooks this month. I usually listen to them to go to bed at night so I like to listen to cozy murder mysteries or books that are fluff. I’ve already read all the Hannah Swensen books, and they’re full of fluff, and perfect for me to fall asleep too. I listen more now for the stories of the characters then the actual mystery part. The other book I listened to was the 9th book in the Agatha Raisin series. It was as usual funny, and better at the mystery telling part.

I’ve started Where’d you Go Bernadette, but this month I’ve been kind of tired from reading. I watched the entire first season of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend instead. I LOVED that show, and i can’t wait for season two to show up on February 11.

That’s it for now.

Finding Me Again

I recently had this thought of wanting to make an impact on the world somehow. The thing is the only impact I may ever make will be on my family, maybe my friends.

After my father died a lot of people came forward and told us stories about what he did for them. We found that he affected far more people then he himself probably ever imagined. It was almost extraordinary, and it made me think about myself. It made me think that I doubt I’ll ever reach people with that much magnitude. This didn’t make me sad, it just made me think.

I’m an introvert. I don’t always like people. I like the people I choose to be my people, but I’m not a people person. I hate crowds. I get overwhelmed easily. If I get myself out of the house to an outing of any kind, I always need a moment to decompress. It literally takes energy out of me to be social. What I can’t decide is that just who I am, or who I’m choosing to be? It’s probably a little bit of both, but I’m ok with that.

Sometimes I feel like I try, and nothing comes from it. Then I accept that either I’m just the wrong tetris piece for that moment in time. I spend the night beating myself up about it. I spend the night sometimes getting irrationally angry, more at myself then anything. We are our own worst enemy.

I just read the Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes, and the words she wrote about on her introvertedness (yes I just made up that word) resonate in me. I know what it’s like to fall victim to easily saying no. Saying “no” is actually more of the easy way out for me.

After my father died it became even worse. I lost interest in things that I use to love. I fell into a depression of sorts, and getting out of bed even became hard for me. I had to though. I am wife and a stay at home mom. I have people that depend on me to live. So I did, but I wasn’t really living. I think I was just going along with the flow. I started to eat and drink my feelings. I gained all the weight back I had worked so hard to lose after having my son. This made me sad for myself. I stopped liking any of my clothes. I actually hate getting dressed in the morning right now, but that is something I’ve started working on.

I stopped having alcohol for the most part. I have it on special occasions or Sundays, but otherwise I’ve given it up. Two things have happened; my stomach is happier and I sleep better. That last one came as a surprise to me. For months I’ve been waking up at 3 AM, unable to fall back asleep. Now I sleep through the night. Of course now I stay up later reading so that might have something to do with it. It helps calm my brain and turn it off.

Then I started portion control and calorie counting. I know that shakes, clean eating, and whatever new diet fad is going on work for some people, but it’s just not for me. It’s awesome that people find what works for them! I like to eat food, and so I want to be able to eat what I want, just within reason. It’s what has always worked for me. It’s what I’m doing now.

Now I’m starting to walk again. Maybe I’ll try yoga again, but I’m also kind of interested in Pilates.  I have chronic migraines and muscle pain so I can’t really do any high endurance exercise. It wears me out, so I have to do what I know I can handle.

So this is only the beginning of finding me again. I’m trying to find happiness in little things throughout the day. I’m looking for the good that falls in with the bad. Let’s not lie to ourselves; there will always be some kind of bad that happens. Some kind of drama that unfolds itself when you least expect it, but there is always good in this world too.

I see the good in my son’s laughter, or when he learns something new. I see the good in my husband’s horrible jokes that make me laugh anyway. I love his hugs, and just being quiet with him. I love cooking, and baking. I’ve been scouring Pinterest for recipes I want to try in this “new” year.

I’ve started living again. I’ve started enjoying the little things like the smell of rain in the desert, or a good walk. I’ve discovered Arnold Palmers. Look I know those have been around for a while, but I’ve just now discovered them. They are amazing! They are the perfect afternoon drink.

I like Sunday dinners with my mom, and aunt, trying out new recipes for them or old ones that I tried and true.

I’ve started reading again! Like actually reading, and not just listening to audiobooks. After my father died, audiobooks were a godsend. They were exactly what I needed. The majority of books I read last year were audiobooks. So really I didn’t read them. I listened to them. I still count them though, because it takes brain power to listen actively to them. I still enjoy them, and always have at least one going.

I still miss my father. I still get angry that I didn’t have more time with him. I was sad around the holidays, because it was just hard not having him there. It wasn’t the first holiday season without him, but it was the first one that felt actually real. The one before I was still numb from it all. Things will pop up that remind me of him, and I get sad but also happy. I was lucky to have him as a father.

I was lucky.

I’ve grown since then though. I’ve molded into a new normal. I’m still floundering, but I’m making the most of it. There are still a lot of unknowns in the world, but for now I can live in the day to day mundaneness. I can enjoy that mundaneness. Sometimes it’s just sitting on the couch finishing a book. Other times it’s being in the moment with my son, while he sits on my lap watching whatever new show he likes on Netflix or PBS kids. It’s watching old favorite movies. It’s reading out loud to my son, or watching him play with his father.

It’s laughing again, really laughing, and feeling it deep in your stomach.

So maybe the only impact I’ll make will be on myself, and my family. It’s good though. It’s happiness.

When I say New Year New Me, I mean it. I really really mean it this time.

 

 

Currently 1/11/2017

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I cleaned out my son’s playroom while he was off playing at the park with Husband. I went through and got rid of anything that was broken, that he didn’t really play with and a lot of little toys that he had doubles of.

I got all my organization baskets from Target, and I put together a new 4 cube bookcase for the playroom. That book case was a total bear to put together. It looked like it should have been easy, but it wasn’t. It’s also from Target.

I made sure to organize all his toys by type…so go go smart wheels, duplo legos, and mega blocs. He mostly plays with his go go smart wheels, which is why he has so much of them. For Christmas we got him one more set, and also extra tracks because he likes to connect them all together and make a little village with them. He can spend hours with these toys.

The bookcases have some of my books in them on the top shelf so they aren’t all his. FYI if you didn’t know I read ALOT.

  • Right now I’m reading Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. I’m actually almost done with it. I got a few books from the library that I’m hoping to get to soon.
  • I can’t wait to watch last nights episode of This is Us! Ugh I love this show so much. Mandy Moore has always been a favorite of mine, and she is phenomenal in this show along with all the other characters. This is the only new show I picked up this season.
  • Other things I watched this week: the new fixer upper, Monday afternoon for whatever reason I watched Kid’s Baking Championship on Food Network all afternoon. I cried pretty much all the way through Miracles From Heaven. Seriously! The whole movie I was sobbing. Then i went and hugged my son after I finished it that night. I also watched The Parent Trap on Netflix.
  • My son started preschool again this week, and he was very happy to get back to that routine. He loves school right now. He gets to run around on the playground and do crafts. It’s probably the best thing I ever did for him.
  • He’s not quite ready to give up Christmas though as we are still watching Frosty the Snowman.
  • I have family from Sweden in town right now, and so I’m making my enchiladas tonight for them.

~ Christa